The 10 Commandments of Real Nutrition

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It seems like everywhere you turn these days for legitimate health & fitness information you see the same lame, rehashed BS everywhere.

There are the fitness models telling you to do “exactly what I do” and you’ll look awesome with your clothes off…

There are the bodybuilders telling you to do “exactly what I do” and you’ll get jacked like a superhero…

And last but not least there are the skinny dudes in the white lab coats telling you “according to the latest research, 13 rats were given..bla bla”…gtfoh wit dat yo…

In the dark and ancient days of outrageous claims, bad nutritional advice, toxic protein farts, and 6 meals per day of boiled, sodium-less/flavorless chicken & asparagus, a loud cry rang out over the mountains — a cry for honesty, integrity, clarity, and modesty.

Then, one day, a small band of internet warriors came forth to light the torch of truth and deliver the lost people out of the darkness and into the promised land of leanness, strength, optimal health, and longevity.

This warrior tribe is slave to no supplement company, nor do they use performance enhancing drugs to get cut, jacked, and celebrated under the false pretext of being an “inspiration” on Facebook…yet is more unhealthy than an obese person on the inside…

They never bow down to the false gods of vanity, ego, lies, and deception.

The people of this warrior tribe may be seen as outcasts, even renegades, but they are simply seekers of the truth who come in peace, and until now, have been greatly misunderstood.

Their mission: To rescue the people from the clutches of false supplement marketing, bs claims from trainers, bad nutritional advice, rinky dinky research studies, and shitty results in the gym.

This tribe lives by a creed, a creed of 10 simple rules that you too shall learn today.

These are 10 Commandments of Real Nutrition…

Tape them to your shaker cup, chant them while using the foam roller, share them with a backslidden friend…

1. Thou shalt have no other gods before me.

Thou shalt place no other gods beofre me, for I am nutrition and I am divinely important.

My children, heed my wisdom, for if you bow to any god that is not me, or serve them, thou shalt surely be driven to lamentation and face eternal suffering; thine efforts shall be fruitless and thy belly fat will surely multiply. And now behold, even as I have just said; as you looketh down upon your abs, it has come to pass.

2. Thou shalt not worship false gods.

Thou shalt not worship the false gods that are supplement powders, performance enhancing drugs, miracle pills, magic lotions, fad diets, and quick fixes. If thou worship these false gods and thy primary focus is looking awesome; and thy motivations based upon the pretext of vanity; such blasphemies shall bear no fruit.

Let not your mouth be heard exalting the so-called benefits of miracle supplements and nutrition pyramid schemes for these are the creations of false Messiahs and prophets of lies. They will perform great signs and wonders so as to deceive my people, but such blasphemies will not go unpunished. For I am vexed by these vile and corrupt calamities; and I will strike down my fury upon them for all their abominations.

Neither shalt thou bow down thyself to any other god, nor serve them; for I am real nutrition, and I shalt punish thy children unto the third, fourth, and fifth generations of those that rise up against me to avenge the nutritional myths that were passed down through their forefathers; and show mercy unto the chosen few that love me and keep my commandments.

3. Thou shalt not take the name of real nutrition in vain.

Thou shalt not take the name of real nutrition in vain. Do not be deceived, real nutrition is not mocked; but your flabby abs and thighs will be mocked if you do not heed my counsel.

And for all men that walk the earth, if you try to deceive my children by using lies and deceit to make one think that a false health food is a real health food, that it may appear you have eaten what you have not, or obtained a higher power and you have not, this wickedness will not go unpunished.

Neither shalt thou litter thy Twitter and Facebook pages with false pretext nor deceitful claims about nutrition, supplements, or diet plans that art created in my image but are not me; for these actions are neither righteous nor just. Speak not and tweet not, lest you be cast into the fiery hell of facing the wall in quiet time.

For whatever you sow, so shall you reap; and I will punish thee for all thy false endorsements and abominations.

4. Remember the principles of nature, to keep it holy.

At least six days per week shalt thou eat as healthy as possible, and on the seventh day, you may rest and have a cookie.

Thou shalt buy groceries locally at farmers markets, Whole Foods, or Trader Joes, and only purchase foods that are of the highest quality, for they are pure.

For if it comes from the earth, I declare it to be clean, pure, and fit for consumption; but if the food comes in a box with a cartoon character on the front, or a cleverly designed bag with a cute twisty or staple, it is manmade and is an abomination.

Of the beasts of the field hoofed and cloven-hoofed, and the fowls of the heaven, and all things that creep upon the earth, and of all these creatures thou shalt purchase hormone and antibiotic free; this is acceptable in my sight and you may eat it freely.

Of the fishes of the sea, and the fishes of the rivers & lakes, and all things that swim in water, and of all these creatures thou shalt purchase wild caught and avoid the abomination that is farm raised fish; this is acceptable in my sight and you may eat it freely.

Of the fruits, vegetables, and other produce that grows upon the earth, and all things that can be picked from a tree or plucked from a bush, thou shalt purchase pesticide free. For pesticide consumption is truly toxic and all my children that forsake this law shall surely perish.

Remember the principles of nature, to keep it holy. Wherefore these principles are blessed, hallowed, and pure. For the beasts, fowls, fish, fruits and veggies are existing perfectly in nature as they should be; without impurities and toxins; behold, I eat of them myself, yet I do not die.

5. Honor thy digestive health.

Honor thy digestive health, that thy days shall be long upon the earth.

Heed my words; all diseases start in the gut, and forsaking gut health is the way of the wicked; for it is the single most important factor in your heath and physical development.

Hear my instruction, be wise, and refuse it not. A healthy gut will cause thee to lose fat and build muscle at a rate liken to the gods; for it shall boost your immune function, improve your skin, and put you on the path of righteousness.

Do not forsake the use of probiotics and digestive enzymes even though they cost over 500 shekels at Whole Foods. For thou saveth several shekels for nought, as this cost is less than the cost in medical bills in the future.

Do not constantly abuse your digestive system using prehistoric nutrition practices such as eating six meals per day, for such actions place a huge burden on the human body as it was not designed to digest food every two or three hours. Such inequities against your insides shall not be unpunished. For whose God is their belly, their farts shall be noxious, their constipation brutal, and a voice of crying shall be heard across the lands for their pain and sorrow on the toilet shall be mighty.

Let not your daily protein intake be more than a Lions, for this shalt surely cause an increase of toxic gas in the colon. When such gas is spewed forth from thee, all humans within range shall flee for the noise and the smell shall be strong, and thy friends shall surely forsake thee and you shall be ashamed.

Let not your daily bowel movements be less than one, and keep daily fiber intake high, that thou may reach optimal bowel movement frequency to keep your gut health high and healthy gut flora abundant.

Let not your daily bowel movement activity be a taboo topic, but discuss it amongst the bretheren, for it is a natural human function and we all know thou doeth it. So don’t fake it. But let not thy time on the toilet linger, for thou hath not thirty minutes to waste grunting and pushing out thy rock hard poop. So if thy poop does not come forth quickly, thou shalt heed the implications of your sluggish bowel.

For there is no more important component to your longevity and overall well being than digestive health, and if thou faileth to maintain it your health & physique levels shalt suck constantly.

6. Thou shalt not kill yourself using a crash diet.

Hear me, O my children, for the crash diets they kill thee. Yet you try again and again, even to the twelfth time in a year, and yet your body fat always returns to the same level it was before.

Thou shalt not follow the nutrition principles nor the ideology of online celebrities and false prophets who make millions of dollars by preying on your insecurities, fears, and lust for outward glory; that your days may be long on the earth.

Lest not thee spend eight hundred and thirty talents twelve times in a year buying quick fix nutrition and weight loss plans that focus only on outward appearance; for thy rebound shall be strong and thou shalt swell out like a creme filled puff.

Thy nutrition plan shalt have but one primary goal: to promote optimal health; and secondary goals such as getting ripped, building muscle, and looking awesome can only come to pass when thou focuseth on the primary goal first.

Thy diet shalt not be boring and lame, nor shall it consist of only saltless, boiled, chicken breast and asparagus, for such shall surely create vitamin & mineral deficiencies, allergies, gastrointestinal issues, and hormonal imbalances; and thou shalt inexplicably post annoying diet rants on Facebook & Twitter constantly.

If thy nutrition plan hath zero goals, and thou eateth stuff just because thou thinkest it to be healthy, you have failed; and such calamities shall bear no fruit.

Take heed in the plague of hype, and become wise. For the false prophets who cause my children to stumble using hyped up claims based on misleading research, clever marketing tricks, fake fitness model endorsements, and flashy online videos know not at what rage is in my mind, for surely they cannot know.

7. Thou shalt not commit adultery against thyself.

Thou shalt not commit adultery against thyself by purchasing food that is not organic just to save three or four shekels per month. For thine hard earned shekels should not be spent in vain.

Thou shall eat raw foods and green vegetables with a great frequency, and avoid cooking them using high heat & toxic oils to enhance the taste. For the taste is as it should be, and thou shall not cheat by using preparation methods that are not pure; for by eating the fruits of the field raw, ye shall not surely die.

Thou shalt not excessively consume grains, nor become a slave and submit yourself to the master that is processed grains, nor the various other hybrids of grains, or their genetically modified mutant descendants. For in doing this, you shall only play thyself.

8. Thou shalt not steal.

Thou shalt not steal thy coworkers cupcakes, chips, candy, or snacks at work regardless of how crazy your diet maketh thee or how strong thy cravings may be; But you shall remain steadfast in thy healthy eating plan and only have a cheat meal at the appropriate time.

Thou shalt not grab bakery items at the grocery store and hide in dark corners of the store to quickly eat them like some sort of crack fiend, for the disgrace and shame in this is mighty.

Thou shalt not for any reason, commit weird acts to steal and sneak junk food, for even though you may not be seen, thou art seen by me.

For such sins are the ways of the wicked and thou shalt not engage in them.

9. Thou shalt not develop hormonal disorders.

In all things, naturally keep thy testosterone levels moderately high, estrogen levels reasonably low, and cortisol levels balanced. For thy success is dependent upon maintaining normal hormonal ranges.

Honor thy hormones and use a nutrition plan that is designed to optimally manipulate your body’s hormonal output; so that thy old problems of eating 2 grams of carbs and blowing up like a balloon right after; having low testosterone and losing all strength, power, and virility; holding onto stubborn fat like a crazy ex holds onto your phone number; and being tired all the time will flee from thee.

10. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s savings on food.

Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s food budget, nor his savings gained upon purchasing foods that are bad for his health; not his inexpensive yet delicious processed breakfast cereals, nor his meat that only cost 2 shekels per pound, nor his cheap lunches from the drive through joint, nor his ten pounds for 3 shekels cheap protein sack from Costco, nor anything unhealthy that is thy neighbor’s.

Final word

O my children, go ye forth now and take heed of these Commandments.

Honor them in all that you do, for I will reward thee with good health, long life, increased energy, much strength, and a killer physique.

And if ye have erred, and not observed all these commandments, you shall be plagued with extreme fatigue, excessive body fat, minimal muscle gains, joint pain, chronic disease, and extreme frustration; for the rod will not be spared until you heed my words.

For when thou art struck down and become ill, thou shall remember that I am that I am: the most important aspect to thy health and longevity. Hear me now, and avoid me in my wrath, O children of me.

Fellow meatheads, hast thou a commandment that was left off this cyber tablet? Speak thou also unto the children within the comment box below, and we shall listen.